Parody songs can make a difference!
by ViBookWorm
Summary: Uhura makes the bridge crew listen to "Star Trekkin" watch their reactions and and then when an seemingly innocent accident happens. She, Scotty, Sulu and Dr McCoy are out to get Spock and Kirk together! S/K romance, so don't like don't read!
1. The Beginning Of It All

Kirk, McCoy, Sulu and Spock were gathered around Uhura's workstation and they were all staring warily at small recorder device lay in the middle of the table. "This song might interest you all!" Uhura said with a mischievous smile and hit play

_Star Trekkin' across the universe,  
>On the Starship Enterprise under Captain Kirk.<br>Star Trekkin' across the universe,  
>Only going forward 'cause we can't find reverse.<em>

Sulu looked affronted, "I beg your pardon! It's right there!" he said pointing at large red button clearly labelled "Reverse"

Uhura said "Shut up! I heard my name!"

_**Lt. Uhura, report.**__  
>There's Klingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, starboard bow;<br>there's Klingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, Jim._

Spock raised a slanted eyebrow "Interestingly casual use of the captains nickname Lt. Uhura."

Uhura looked annoyed "Excuse me Mr Spock as you have heard me sing many times you must know that is not my voice…."

_**Analysis, Mr. Spock.**__  
>It's life, Jim, but not as we know it, not as we know it, not as we know it;<br>it's life, Jim, but not as we know it, not as we know it, Captain._

Uhura shrieked with laughter at that and McCoy chuckled and said "Interestingly casual use of the captains nickname Mr Spock."

Spock raised an eyebrow (yet again and said "Dr McCoy, may I remind you that you yourself use that name most of all of us here…"

"Reeeaaally? You suuuuure it isn't that you have a little crush on Jim here?" McCoy taunted

Spock just stared at him, though his cheeks seemed to highten slightly in colour "If you judge people's affection for the Captain by how many times they use his nickname then you must be enging in sexu-" Uhura clapped her hand across his mouth "He'll murder you if you finish that sentance! And here comes my bit!"

_There's Klingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, starboard bow;  
>there's Klingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, Jim. <em>

McCoy took the opportunity to start yelling at Spock as Kirk's jaw hit the floor. Had Spock really just implied…

_Star Trekkin' across the universe,  
>On the Starship Enterprise under Captain Kirk.<br>Star Trekkin' across the universe,  
>Only going forward, still can't find reverse. <em>

Sulu started yelling about how he was a navigator so the insinuation that he wouldn't be able to find Reverse was deeply insulting and then….

_**Medical update, Dr. McCoy.  
><strong>__It's worse than that, he's dead, Jim, dead, Jim, dead, Jim;  
>it's worse than that, he's dead, Jim, dead, Jim, dead.<em>

McCoy's mouth hung open in horror, Uhura and Sulu lost it completely and started rolling on the floor. Spock allowed a small smile to flit across his face and Kirk chuckled behind his hand. Scotty walked and was greeted with…

_It's life, Jim, but not as we know it, not as we know it, not as we know it;  
>it's life, Jim, but not as we know it, not as we know it, Captain. <em>

_There's Klingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, starboard bow;  
>there's Klingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, Jim. <em>

"I..whats going on here?" Scotty said completely bewildered and was immediately shushed by everyone including Mr Spock.

_**Starship Captain, James T. Kirk:**__  
>Haha! We come in peace, shoot to kill, shoot to kill, shoot to kill;<br>we come in peace, shoot to kill, shoot to kill, men. _

"Oi! I object to that!" Said Kirk but with a smirk on his face. Scotty looked stunned, amused and slightly horrified as he looked at the recorder that this crazy song was issuing from

_It's worse than that, he's dead, Jim, dead, Jim, dead, Jim;  
>it's worse than that, he's dead, Jim, dead, Jim, dead. <em>

Scotty let out a howl of laughter but quailed under the furious glare of Dr McCoy

_Well, it's life, Jim, but not as we know it, not as we know it, not as we know it;  
>it's life, Jim, but not as we know it, not as we know it, Captain. <em>

_There's Klingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, starboard bow;  
>there's Klingons on the starboard bow, scrape 'em off, Jim. <em>

"Nice voice Uhura!" Scotty said laughing his butt off by now, she shot him a filthy glare

Star Trekkin' across the universe,  
>On the Starship Enterprise under Captain Kirk.<br>Star Trekkin' across the universe,  
>Only going forward, and things are getting worse!<p>

"WORSE?" Sulu shrieked "Shut it." Advised Uhura wisely "Oh and I do belive that here comes you bit Mr Scott!" she said evilly. The Engineer paled

_**Engineer, Mr. Scott:**__  
>Ye canna change the laws of physics, laws of physics, laws of physics;<br>ye canna cahnge the laws of physics, laws of physics, Jim. _

Kirk threw up his hands "Why are the lot of you calling me Jim?"

Spock said "A fair approximation of your accent Mr Scott" and then the Vulcan realised that if eyes were phasers, he would have been long dead. As Scotty was giving him much the same look McCoy had been giving him earlier in the song.

_Haha! We come in peace, shoot to kill, shoot to kill, shoot to kill;  
>we come in peace, shoot to kill; Scotty, beam me up! <em>

_It's worse than that, he's dead, Jim, dead, Jim, dead, Jim;  
>it's worse than that, he's dead, Jim, dead, Jim, dead. <em>

_Well, it's life, Jim, but not as we know it, not as we know it, not as we know it;  
>it's life, Jim, but not as we know it, not as we know it, Captain. <em>

_There's Klingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, starboard bow;  
>there's Klingons on the starboard bow, better calm down! <em>

_Ye canna change the script Jim.  
>Och, #!*&amp; Jimmy. <em>

"Language Mr Scott! And to your captain as well!" Said Uhura, her eyes sparkling with amusement

"Tha' wasn't me lass!" Scotty howled

_It's worse than that, it's physics, Jim. _

McCoy scowled "That stupid voice! Don't they have any idea what my voice actually sounds like?"

_Bridge to engine room, warp factor 9. _

_Och, if I give it any more she'll blow, Cap'n! _

_*Big Explosion*_

"NOOOOOO!" Screamed Scotty "Mah poor wee ship!" Everyone stared "You do realise its just a song, right?" said Captain Kirk warily, edging himself towards Spock, away from Scotty

_Star Trekkin' across the universe,  
>On the Starship Enterprise under Captain Kirk.<br>Star Trekkin' across the universe,  
>Only going forward 'cause we can't find reverse. <em>

_Star Trekkin' across the universe,  
>On the Starship Enterprise under Captain Kirk.<br>Star Trekkin' across the universe,  
>Only going forward, still can't find reverse.<em>

The song came to an end and everyone sat there very quietly, except for Scotty who had actually started crying about 'losing' the Enterprise even though it wasn't even real. Kirk looked even more freaked out and leaned so far away from Scotty that his chair tipped over and he flipped right into Spock and they both fell to the floor.

A giggle sounded from Uhura's direction and she stage-whispered "I dunno about Spock having a thing for Kirk but I reckon Kirk rather likes Spock!" Kirk kept his eyes shut and tried to figure out what she meant and then realised that he hadn't actually hit the floor. He was lying on something soft and warm…something that was breathing.

"ARRRRGH!" Kirk's yell echoed throughout the Bridge as he leapt off Spock. Sulu stared at the two of them blushing furiously "We need to lock them into a store cupboard together somewhere." He hissed to Scotty

"Aye laddie, are you in doctor?" Scotty asked

"You bet. Hmmph! Vulcans have no feelings..Pah as if!" McCoy whispered disdainfully

Uhura grinned "Oh you guys will need a woman's touch in these affairs I reckon!"

And then the four of them left to scene and plot the matchmaking of the Captain and his First Officer


	2. Klingon Confusion

Sulu, Scotty, McCoy and Uhura were sitting on cardboard boxes in a large cupboard just off one of past midnight the main corridors of the Enterprise just past midnight , they were discussing tactics of how to get Kirk and Spock together.

"I vote we jus' stick em in a wee store cupboard somewhere and let th' magic happen." Said Scotty

"Nah! Spock would just override the security lock in about 2.34637 seconds!" Uhura replied shaking her head

'Shh! I hear people in the corridor!" Muttered Sulu

Footsteps were coming towards their cupboard

"Well it seems you beat me yet again Mr Spock, you do play an excellent game of chess…IS THAT CUPBOARD LOCK SETTING SET ON LOCK?" Came James Tiberius Kirk's furious voice from rigt outside the cupboard.

"Bugger!" whispered McCoy, very quietly

"It seems so Captain, it seems illogical to keep using cupboard when they are the most frequently check place for couples on the Enterprise." Said Spock calmly

"I'm running a starship not a shagging resort! Spock check the heat readouts and see how many are in there!" Kirk said irritably

There was a short pause as even if the Vulcan was lost for words "Four, one women three men, Captain."

Dead silence

"Oh my god they think we're….." Uhura trailed off in disgust

"Right. Ok then. Ahem. Overide the security lock please Spock and I'll do my best not to throw up when we get a goo look at whats going on in there." Kirk finished sounding sickened

After 2.34637 the door swung open and Uhura said brightly "Morning!" in her cheeriest voice

"UHURA?" whisper-screamed Kirk "Wait…BONES? What are you doing in a cupboard with….what the devil…SCOTTY? And who is tha-SULU? WHAT THE DEVIL IS GOING ON HERE?"

Spock was checking the device in his hand again "Their thermal readouts are normal captain. They have not been engaging in…strenuous activities."

"Heavens NO!" said Uhura indignantly "Mr Scott here needed a hand getting something down, Sulu, Dr McCoy and I were passing, we decided to help and then Dr McCoy, with all due respect, was a bit of an idiot and shut the door behind us! It automatically locked and we have been in here ever since! We had to play Truth or Dare to pass the time…oh and that reminds me." Here she broke of and sent an extremely convincingly glare at Sulu.

Uhura stood up and threw her arms around Spock "Mr Spock, you are the most handsome, amazing man/Vulcan I have ever met!" she gave him a kiss on the cheek and then withdrew herself as if burned. "Right. Done the dare. Sulu hand over the 50 bucks! Sorry about that Mr Spock, Sulu here…" she shot another glare at him "Dared me to do that."

Scotty, McCoy and Sulu stared at her in amazement, she had not only come up with an extremely convincing story in about 3 seconds but also had thrown in a fake dare that not only had backed up the story really well, also would have hopefully distracted both Spock and Jim enough so they didn't ask awkward questions like "What did you want to get down in the first place Mr Scott?"

Sulu reached into his wallet on pulled out the 50 dollars and handed it to her, in his opinion she had totally earned it by saving their butts. "Well that's settled then! I'm off to bed! See you tomorrow you lot! Bye Captain sorry for the trouble!" and beaming brightly, she skipped off down the corridor.

Spock was standing still as a statue staring after her, and Kirk seemed to fighting the urge to run after her. Clearly whoever kissed Spock in whatever context seemed to him like they deserved to be thrown off the ship into space.

Sulu said in what he hoped was a serious tone "I'm really sorry Mr Spock I never thought she would actually do the dare…" he received only a raised eyebrow from the Vulcan and he said

"Humans desire for money knows no bounds Mr Sulu." Sulu seemed to be quite happy to leave the whole lot of them behind, as he practically ran down the passageway.

McCoy stepped out after Sulu "Ah, I'm to old for this Jim! Next time please make it so that others besides annoying pointy eared devils can open the lock from the inside. Now I'm off to get a good rest and if I fail to save someone tomorrow because I'm tired I'm suing the guy who designed those infernal locks!" then he stormed off down the corridor in a incredibly convincing manner.

Scotty was last out "Well I won't say tha' wasn't enjoyable! You should 'ave seen it when Miss Uhura dared Dr McCoy to act like a lovestruck schoolgirl at Sulu for 5 minutes!" the he walked off as well.

_**The next day….**_

Jim was in a bad mood, he couldn't quite figure it out but things had started changing between him and his First Officer in the last couple of days. First there had been that whole falling on top of him incident which he knew he should have just laughed off but instead he had ended up blushing like a teenage girl.

Then when Uhura had kissed Spock on the cheek…even though he knew it was just a dare a monster had risen up in his chest and had begun roaring at her and also those two words that had resounded through his head "He's mine."

He shook himself mentally," no, it can't be that I'm falling for him..NO DEFINATLEY NOT! I'm just…a protective friend..yeah, yeah that's it!" he slammed a wall down on the thoughts that were picking huge holes in this explanation and turned his attention back to the task at hand.

"Warp factor 1 Mr Sulu." He said, as he had done so many times before

"Warp factor….wha?" Sulu was cut off as the whole ship lurched and sparks flew from every electrical appliance in the room, unfortunately Uhura had her hand directly on her control panel. The electricity blasted her backwards and straight into Scotty and McCoy who had been just about to leave after their morning briefing.

Pausing only to get Uhura off him and employing a few choice Scottish swear words Scotty ran from the room, presumably to go down to Engineering and start demanding to know what idiot was responsible for this mess.

Scotty's shove had sent Uhura to the floor and she lay their eyes unfocused. She was unconscious, McCoy cursed and nealt down next to her pulling things from his medical bag. Sulu gave a strangled cry and sprang out of his seat and ran to her side. Spock rose quickly and soke to Captain Kirk "Captain. I don't belive that was a engineering problem. I think-" he was cut off

Uhura had regained consciousness and gasped out "That's what I was about to tell you Captain…" a faint smile crossed her lips "There's Klingons on the starboard bow!"

Kirk stared at her for a few seconds and said "Very funny. Yes that song was hilarious but now is not the time to be-"

"Jim, the Klingons are beaming in. And they were as Lt. Uhura said…on the starboard bow." Spock said calmly

Kirk swore very loudly indeed and grabbed his phaser, Spock, Sulu and a few redshirts did the same. McCoy who realising to late that he left his in the Medical Centre, grabbed about a dozen hypos from his bag. Uhura stood shakily up and grabbed a metal rod that was lying on the ground from maintenance the previous day.

They heard the sound of phaser fire and yelling up ahead, then the Klingons burst into the Bridge, Two redshirts went down instantly. Slain by a Klingon warrior woman who was wielding her sword like a mad wom-er-Klingon. Spock could vaguly hear Uhura's voice yelled "You stupid **** PUT DOWN THAT ******* SWORD IF YOU KNOW WHATS GOOD FOR YOU! YOU LITTLE ****! TAKE A SWING AT ME WILL YOU! TAKE THIS YOU ************!"

Spock smiled slightly, and then heard her revert to Klingon and begin screaming insults at them again "Qaw' Hoch lo'laHbe'ghach nga'chuq!" she shrieked. Spock's eyebrows nearly flew of his head as he wondered if Uhura realise she had just yelled "Destroy all worthless sex!"

The Klingons near her clearly though she was mental "You chevwI' chuy baghneQ baHjan!" She screamed. Spock calmly nerve pinched 2 Klingons and thought that Uhura really has no idea what on earth she was saying because she had just said "You territorial sneeze spoon launcher"

"Qaw' bur! Magh beb bo!" Spock stared as did many of the Klingons. Who wouldn't stare is someone had just yelled, while brandishing a metal rod "Destroy hiccup! Betray roof feather!" However it did provide the distraction which was needed to take out some more Klingons. There were only a few left now.

"Dor bIQ! Qaw' the bachHa' bIQSIp Qun!" the remaining klingons stopped dead in pure amazement at the sound of this crazy human proclaiming "End water! Destroy the mistake hydrogen god!" as the phaser shots knocked them out. They all thought "At least we can now get away from this complete nutter."

"Miss Uhur-AHHH!" Uhura had swung round and clubbed him round the head with the club. The last thing Spock saw before darkness claimed him and he hit the ground was Uhura clapping her hands over her mouth and the last thing he heard was Kirk's anguished cry of "NO!" and Uhura's scream.

**(Authors Note: Ok so I know Uhura is a little OCC in this story but I think I like her better this way! And if the Klingons seemed a bit weird well I have only seen about 5 episodes of Star Trek and haven't actually seen them yet so yeah…I looked up the Klingon words but there were no ands or yous so I decided just make her say random funny stuff and completely freak out the Kingons! )**

**(Oh and you'll be happy to know the only people who died were the redshirts…SURPRISE!**


	3. Alien Women from Hell

When Spock awoke the medical bay was dark and still, his head felt like a particularly vicious Klingon had decided to use it for batting practice…then he remembered and had to fight back the extremely illogical desire to laugh as he recalled that it had been Uhura who had whacked him with the iron bar.

As he reached for a glass of water a figure by his bed stirred and sat bolt upright. "Spock! Thank heaven your alright!" it was Jim's voice, he realised.

"Captain. What are you doing here? Surely once Dr McCoy told you I would be fine, as I have no doubt he did, I thought you would have gone back to Bridge or to bed. It is most illogical to waste time and energy waiting for me to awake when you knew I would be alright." Spock said, but at the same time he was suppressing a warm glow at the knowledge that Jim hadn't left.

Jim raised an eyebrow and a grin broke over his tired face "Ah, but sometimes even though we know its illogical to us humans, seeing is believing Mr Spock! And I can see that you truly have recovered if you are already remarking on my lack of logic."

Spock let a small smile grace his features and said "I can't help it Jim, you really are the most illogical of the illogical."

Jim smirked "and you my dear are the most logical of the logical!"

Spock frowned "Captain? I thought "my dear" was a term of endearment used between couples and not usually between friends."

"Yes Mr Spock but also it can be used sarcastically! God, not everything has to be done by the bloody rule book in this world…universe…whatever!" Came McCoy's voice from behind him

Spock glanced at McCoy and then said in a monotone "Rules were made to be followed."

Jim and McCoy glanced at each other, grinned and said together "Rules were made to be broken!"

"Now Jim off to bed I must talk to Spock and conduct a few tests just to make sure nothing is damaged." McCoy said, orphing into doctor mode

"Fine, see you tomorrow Spock." And with that Jim left

McCoy turned to Spock with a look of utter seriousness on his face "We" he pointed at Spock "Need to talk."

Spock felt a flash of fear "Why. What has happened?" he said trying to keep his voice level

'You have been out of it for..hmm…10 hours now. About five hours after you got hit you slipped into delirium, I stress this point before we go any further so not to cause you to much worry. We were alone at this point."

Spock was feeling terror rising in him now, this was sounding really bad, he had a few secrets and if he had blabbed any of them in his delirium well things could potentially be getting really very awkward indeed.

"Firstly you seemed to be under the impression that you were engaging in..eh…inappropriate activities, judging by the noise and..*cough* …physical symptoms you were…ahem.. displaying…" McCoy looked exceedingly uncomfortable and Spock didn't blame him.

"Then you started…calling out names..well a certain name."

Spock felt all the blood drain from his face and he moaned "No, please no." in a very un-Vulcan like way

"Erm…yes. Jim seemed to feature in these…fantasies…." McCoy shifted slightly and then grinned "But let's face it Spock, most of us already knew!"

"Wait…what?" This was news to Spock, he had thought he had been hidng it extremely well.

"Lil' old me and a few others who know you both quite well began to see things that weren't quite normal if you two were just friends or regarded each other as just friends…."

Spock cut him off "Who do you mean when you say "a few others"?"

"Erm…our society is strictly confidential." McCoy looked sheepish

"Society?" I said Spock echoed his voice sounding strange, alien.

"Yes the..er..Society for the Getting Together of Two Idiot Boys. SGTTIB for short…" McCoy quailed under the furious glare Spock was sending his way "Well…it seemed like a cool name at the time…." He muttered

"So you and a bunch of other crew members have been roaming the ship trying to come up with ideas about how to get the Captain and I together?" Spock sounded really annoyed now

"Sort of." McCoy answered

"Right. You will speak to no-one of this, even though it wasn't true it would provoke certain rumours that would be completely false, I'm going back to my quarters now." Spock made to walk out the door but was stopped by McCoy grabbing his arm

"What do you mean not true? You and Jim like each other, its obvious!" Mczcoy sounded incredulous.

"I was delirious and confused, nothing I said can be true for I was out of my mind at the time, the only thing I care about is my duty, and as for the Captain liking me, maybe you better start noticing the girls he has around him all the time." Spock pulled himself free and strode off down the corridor towards his room.

_**The next day…**_

Spock arrived on the Bridge as usual and was met with Uhura jumping up from her chair and yelling about "How I never meant to do it!" and "OMG I AM SOOO SORRY!" Spock just looked at her impassively and said

"No need to apologise Ms Uhura, your actions were perfectly logical. Because you didn't know that all of the Klingons were down it was my fault for startling you. I would have done the same thing as you."

Spock nodded to Captain Kirk and sat down at his station, about half-way through the morning Dr McCoy walked in. This was the moment Spock had been dreading, the awkwardness. However Dr McCoy didn't even glance his way and acted completely normal. Spock spotted a small planet nearby that a distress signal seemed to be emanating from on his screens.

"Captain. There is a small planet down there, Class M. I am receiving a distress signal. Ms Uhura?" Spock turned towards the Head of Communications.

She adjusted a few things on her headpiece and began listening intently after a few moments her eyes widened and she gasped. She looked incredibly confused. Everyone stared,

"You need to hear this!" she played the message over the speakers on the bridge.

"_Please if anyone hears this HELP! An alien ship landed a few days ago and out came…alien exotic dancers! I know this sounds crazy but they are kidnapping everyone by "distracting" them and then tying them up! They are making us their slaves! It won't be long before they find me…Please help! I can only offer this piece of advice. People who are truly in love with someone else seem to be unaffected…I hear them coming for me…may whoever hears this free us from these demon seductress's…AH HOLY CRAP THEIR HERE!"_

The message ended abruptly but not before they heard a chorus of silky voices purr "You are _such_ a naughty boy hiding from us!"

He saw most of the male members on the bridge shiver, except…Spock's eyes shot to Kirk who was unaffected, then travelled to McCoy who simply looked slightly disgusted. Uhura and the Yeoman just looked completely disapproving at the antics of their male companions.

Kirk had a small smile on his face, "Righty-ho then, assemble a crew made entirely of female security officers and beam me and them down the planet." Spock rolled his eyes then mentally slapped himself for doing such a human action.

"Captain? Should you not go because of the…alluring power of the girls." Spock stated in a monotone that would have made a computer proud

"I'll be fine." Kirk grinned at him and left

_**Two hours later…**_

Uhura swivelled around in her chair and said "The landing party have just beamed up Mr Spock and…oh!" she bent closer to her screen "the Captain appears to have lost his shirt…again." She smirked slightly. "One of the alien strippers attempted to seduce him and ripped his shirt of…" she looked slightly confused "But…how on earth did he resist it?"

McCoy looked over at Spock and winked knowingly. Then he turned and said "Nyota-sorry Lt. Uhura do you have it ready?"

"Of course I do Bones!" she looked mock offended

Spock raised an eyebrow, since when had those two become so chummy? And what exactly was McCoy implying? And what did they have ready? His question was answered as Kirk (who was indeed shirtless) stepped through the doors of the Bridge and the speakers began loudly broadcasting "I'M TOO SEXY FOR MY SHIRT! FOR MY SHIRT!"

Kirk froze as pictures of him entering the bridge with ripped shirts filled the monitor screen, Spock tried to stop it, he really did, but no amount of Vulcan control could quash the laughing fit. He doubled up and fell off his chair, the look on Kirk's face, the quiet triumph on Uhura and McCoy's faces…no-one could have not laughed.

And as Spock went to bed that night even though he was exceedingly embarrassed that he had lost control, he was most illogically happy to have seen the look of pure amazement and joy that had flashed across Jim's face as he had looked down and seen his First Officer in the grip of a laughing fit.

**Meh heh heh! Has the blow from Uhura knocked some of the Vulcan control out of Spock's head? What will the SGTTIB do next? Find out in the next chapter!**


	4. Awkward Ceiling Hugs

Uhura, Sulu and McCoy were sitting at a table in the rec room at 12pm discussing the success of the "Kirk's too sexy for his shirt" mission.

"I mean Spock just…lost it!" Sulu said for the 400th time in wonder

"Yeah…maybe I hit him harder that I thought…" Uhura said, slightly guiltily

"Nup. It would have happened anyway. I think Spock is having a harder time reigning in his emotions now that we are gently prodding all of them to surface! Green-blooded hobgoblin is having a few problems keeping his human side in check!" McCoy said triumphantly

"Here! I got it you lot!" Scotty yelled across the rec room as he burst in waving a small disc in his hand

"The footage of what happened on that weirdly alluring alien chick planet?" Uhura said excitedly

"Aye..I had a look at it and I think it woul' be better for Doctor McCoy to look away its….slightly hard to resist." Scotty said flushing

Uhura snorted and muttered "ugh. Men."

Sulu looked slightly affronted "Why shouldn't I look away? I'm a guy aren't I?"

"Yes but we all know that you're so far in the closet you're having adventures in Narnia." McCoy snapped

Sulu opened and closed his mouth for a few seconds and came up with a childish "Am not."

Uhura snorted again and muttered "As if"

Scotty put the disc into McCoy's PADD and turned away and went over to the food replicator and put his fingers in his ears.

McCoy stared "Powerful stuff it seems."

"Maybe you should look away McCoy?" Uhura said hesitating with her stylus hovering over "Play"

"For heaven's sake Nyota. Call me Leonard! We are all on a first name basis here except Sulu who hates his fist name and Scotty…just..Scotty fits him! And it won't affect me, believe me Ny." McCoy said rolling his eyes

Uhura rolled hers in return "Very well Leonard! But remember I'm Lt. Uhura when I'm on duty, you had a slip-up on the Bridge and Spock definitely noticed. And don't blame me when you start drooling!"

She hit play.

It seemed to be in the middle of a palace throne room with enlarged pages of the Karma Sutra as wallpaper. The yellow motes of light appeared in the middle of the room and Kirk appeared with 5 female security officers.

He stared at the wallpaper and muttered "Classy." The female Ensign with long black hair gave the order to the others to fan out and Kirk strolled into the middle of the room and looked at the door at the far side of the room. He narrowed his eyes and said "Come out. I know your there."

A woman wearing something that resembled a bra and a mini skirt moved out of the doorway fluttering her eyelashes at Kirk. Her eyes were startlingly purple and her skin was a very pretty shade of light blue, when she lifted her head to look at Captain Kirk she was revealed to be extraordinarily beautiful.

"Hello handsome. Welcome to our humble planet where you kind find ultimate pleasure!" She purred

"Not interested." Kirk sounded bored "Who is in charge here. I wish to see them."

The woman took a step back and stared at him and then smiled slightly ruefully "Ah, you are strong. Never mind you soon shall see our…charm. The one in charge is Ilana, she is most beautiful of us all."

The five security women came and stood behind Kirk with their phasers directed at the woman.

Kirk didn't smile "Take me there."

"Why so rude dear?" the woman purred again

"save it, it isn't working." Kirk snapped "Enough delaying. Take me to Ilana. Now."

Uhura paused it "Interesting. He truly wasn't affected."

McCoy frowned "God. What shameless girl!"

Uhura spun around so fast she momentarily became a blur "You're not affected either. That means that…you like someone!"

"Kirk apparently likes someone too." McCoy said and seemed not to be fazed by Uhura's exclamation

"Yes…and I'll bet my dress that its Spock!" Uhura said

McCoy turned his electric blue eyes on her and smiled at her, his eyes sparkling with laughter "A very risky item to bet Nyota. What if you turned out to be wrong?"

Uhura blushed slightly but held her head high "Maybe but I have the feeling that it is him and…if I'm wrong..that's your gain isn't it Leonard?" she grinned at him

"Um…what do you mean?" McCoy said slightly nervously

"Well you'd get to see me without my dress on!" Uhura said

As McCoy spluttered something about "Not…don't want…who do you think I am?" the laughing voice of James T Kirk rang out across the room "How inappropriate! What exactly is going on here?"

Uhura lunged for McCoy's PADD and as she shielded what she was doing from Kirk with her body, banged it extremely hard against the table so the screen went blank and shattered and then turned to face the Captain.

"Oh…um…we were all just discussing the sad breaking of McCoy's PADD and I was just…erm…saying that of all the crewmen that Mr Scott would be the one who could fix it.." She said a blush clearly visible on her dark skin.

Sulu nodded furiously and Scotty quickly came out of his corner and said "Aye, that's all that the lass was discussing!"

McCoy recovered and said "Jim, come on. I mean…Nyota's much younger that me and….oh crap.." He trailed off as Uhura facepalmed and a grin spread across Kirk's face.

"Nyota? You call her by her first name? Bones, you're not convincing anyone!" He crowed

Uhura jumped to her feet and said angrily "Excuse me if you consider this speaking out of turn Captain but I can assure you we are just friends and I am not in a romantic relationship with Leonard…oh great…" Uhura groaned

Kirk stared between them "Leonard? Nyota? Just friends?" then he burst out laughing and litrally rolled around on the floor just as Spock walked in and stopped short at the sight of his usually dignified Captain laughing so much he could barely breathe.

He raised an eyebrow and said "Your human tendency to find things exceedingly funny and then have such a strong reaction to it is incredibly illogi…." He began and then seemed to remember that he really couldn't talk.

Kirk struggled to his feet and said between gasps for air "Bones and Uhura seem to be on first name terms with each other!"

Spock looked puzzled "So are you and Doctor McCoy."

Kirk froze and a look of horror swept across his face, McCoy was staring at Spock like he was some sort of Klingon. "NOT IN THAT WAY!" they both shouted in unison

"I fail to see how people can be on first name terms in different ways." Mr Spock said frowning slightly

"Ah forget it! I think you guys better get to bed soon. I don't want anyone tired on the Bridge tomorrow!" Kirk nodded at them all then walked back out

Spock glared suspiciously at McCoy and said "I trust you have not been discussing that matter of which I spoke of in my delirium Doctor."

McCoy stood up so fast that his chair toppled backwards "I am a doctor not a gossip Mr Spock! I understand the Code of Confidentiality perfectly well and I follow it! Even though I don't like you much I would not tell anyone anything. I see no reason to stand here and be insulted!" He grabbed his broken PADD off the table and blue eyes flashing fire he brushed past Spock and stormed out of the room.

Uhura glared at Spock also and said "I don't have the slightest idea what went on there but that was extremely uncalled for! McCoy would never share information on a patient unless it was absolutely imperative in saving the life of said patient! Do you really think so little of him?" She got to her feet and walked contemptuously past him.

Scotty said "I mean no disrespect sir but tha' really was really disrespectful of his work. Goodnight to you sir." Then he left as well, radiating a very disapproving air

Sulu said "I'll put it this way sir. How would you feel if someone completely insulted everything you stand for? McCoy can get rather tetchy sometimes but he is a good man and would never do anything like that to anyone." Then Sulu grabbed his coffee cup and left.

_**The next day**_

Kirk wasn't sure what exactly had taken place after he left but the tension in the Bridge was almost tangible. Uhura kept shooting dark looks at Spock and Sulu seemed to be doing the same. McCoy, when he delivered his morning report did it in a Spock worthy monotone and left without even glancing and Spock. And when Scotty had given his report his eyes had been filled with disappointment as he looked at Spock and he shook his head at him as he left.

Spock acted like he didn't know what was going on but Kirk knew Spock very well and the fact the all of his muscles were tensed were a dead giveaway. McCoy came back in after 2 hours to tell Kirk about some Ensigns who had been attacked by a vicious plant in the Botanical section.

As he turned to return to the Medical Bay, Spock stodd up and said "A moment please Doctor."

McCoy turned around and growled "What."

"I wish to apologise for having believed that you would violate the ethical codes that I know you place a lot of value on." Spock said while staring straight ahead.

Kirk thought everyone's jaws hit the proverbial floor at that point. Spock had never apologised for ANYTHING before.

McCoy looked at Spock for a second then said "Accepted. But if you do it again you pointy eared, green-blooded devil I'll personally ensure you never see another day."

Kirk breathed a sigh of relief, McCoy was back to insults. Everything was back to normal.

Then the ship lurched and everyone was sent flying. Uhura went straight into Doctor McCoy and they both went down and landed in an incredibly compromising position.

Kirk was thrown from his chair and hit Spock they both landed in an equally awkward position.

Sulu went sprawling across the control panel and whacked his head very hard against the side of it. He was knocked unconscious. Then the ship tilted upside down.

Uhura screamed "OH ****" as they hit the roof

Spock grunted as he twisted in the air so he hit the roof instead of Kirk. Kirk slammed into his chest and wrapped his arms around his First Officer to try and keep from sliding across the roof. Spock also put his arms around Kirk to stabilise them both.

"Lt. Uhura watch your mouth!" he yelled to her "And try and keep from draping yourself all over McCoy will you!" he added

"Well you and Mr Spock aren't looking exactly innocent at the moment either! In case you hadn't noticed Leonard and I don't have our arms around each other!" Uhura screamed back

Spock immediately let go off Kirk "I must apologise Captain I thought it might assist us to keep us in place..."

Kirk kept a firm grip around Spock's waist "Spock! Put you arms back around me now! I don't think that was the last bit of acrobatics the Enterprise is going to do!" he winced as it came out sort of suggestive and gritted his teeth.

He felt Spock shiver against him slightly and then Spock put his arms back around him "Yes Captain." He said in a slightly strained voice. Kirk looked up and saw something flash in Spock's eyes that almost looked like…no…he was imagining things. He must be. Because he knew that the day Spock looked at him with lust in his eyes would be the day that hell froze over.

"Nyota!" he heard McCoy yelled as the Enterprise did a few barrel rolls

Kirk felt a flash of fear as he went tumbling through the air and he the realised that they were heading straight for the floor. He flipped Spock on top of him so to shield him, then Kirk hit the floor very hard indeed and everything went black.

**Oooh! Some romance brewing (and not just Spock's and Kirk's) Was Spock really looking at Kirk like that? Will Kirk be ok? Will Uhura ever learn to stop swearing? And will Scotty be able to fix McCoy's PADD? Find out in the next chapter, SO PLEASE REVIEW!**

**Authors Apology: I had a look at the last couple of chapters and found them full of terrible spelling mistakes. I am so sorry for this I know that this is unacceptable and I will endeavour to be better from now on! **


	5. Never Give Uhura HypoSprays

When Kirk opened his eyes the sickbay was dark and still, he had a splitting headache and was aching all over.

"Bloody Starfleet. Why couldn't they make their starship floors softer or something…" He groaned as he tried to sit up.

"That would be illogical Captain, if the floors were softer you would not be able to move fast enough in an emergency and you would constantly be asking why couldn't Starfleet make the floors more solid." Spock's voice said from the side of his bed

Kirk grinned "I thought you said that it would be illogical for anyone to stay behind at sickbay to watch over someone after Bones had given them the all clear."

Spock hesitated a fraction of a micro-second and said "Doctor McCoy is not present at sickbay at the moment. He was meeting up with some friends and since I am competent in medical matters I thought it would be logical for me to remain behind. Ms Chapel said she would not mind me staying."

Kirk facepalmed and instantly regretted it as it sent a fresh wave of pain through his head "Owww…"

"Jim are you all right?" Spock said barely masking the concern in his voice

Kirk raised an eyebrow and said "I've noticed something Spock, about you and the way you use my title and name."

"Oh? And what would that be?" Spock said looking intrigued and leaning forward on his chair

"That whenever I'm in danger, in pain or you are really relived to see me you revert to "Jim" but every other time its "Captain" what do you say about that?" Kirk said smiling

"Present your evidence." Spock said, and if it hadn't been Spock he was talking to, Kirk could have sworn that there had been a teasing note in the tone Spock had used.

"Down in the caves when we were tracking down that silicone based creature...the Horter or something like that a few months ago. There was a cave-in when we were using the communicators you had been calling me Captain and then we I didn't answer straight away you started yelling "Jim! Jim!" down the communicator and don't you deny it!"

"Also after your…er….well….after our…adventures on Vulcan when you thought you had killed me. When I walked by you grabbed my arms spun me around and yelled "Jim!" in joy and relief. And as Bones said later that if your Vulcan control hadn't kicked back in "We would have been in for an emotional display that brought the house down!" as I believe he put it." Kirk grinned "My evidence has been presented Mr Spock, what do you think?"

"I think that it is a perfectly logical hypothesis." Spock said

"Yes Spock but why you do it is what I'm asking!" Kirk exclaimed in mock annoyance

"OH FOR HEAVENS SAKE! The two of you stop subtle flirting and MAKE OUT ALREADY!" Screamed Nurse Chapel. "I SWEAR THE SEXUAL TENSION IS SO THICK AROUND YOU TWO YOU COULD CUT IT WITH A KNIFE!"

The two of them froze staring in shock at the usually quiet nurse standing with her arms folded, wearing a massive scowl standing in the doorway.

"SAY WHAT?" Kirk shrieked, at the same time Spock said "That is illogical."

Nurse Chapel glared at the pair of them "Jeez. EVERYONE has noticed you realised! Look, ok I'm not gonna lie here I did like Mr Spock at one point and then I'm like Waitaminute! OMG THE CAPTAIN AND HIM MEEEGA-CUUUUTE! So I'm over it and I really wanna see the two of you finally admit it!" she had a slightly maniacal gleam in her eyes

Spock turned to Jim and said "Captain. I do believe we are in the presence of what is known as a fan-girl. They are women or girls who when they get an idea that a certain couple, usually two men, should get together, they stop at nothing to see it happen. Entirely illogical."

"Why usually two men? I mean yah know…they don't have anything to do with the whole…erm….process."

"THAT IS EXACTLY WHY IT'S SO ATTRACTIVE!" Nurse Chapel shrieked then stormed past the pair of them and locked herself in her office.

Kirk blinked in confusion "Maybe our good nurse has been at the doctor's brandy….?"

"A most illogical conclusion Captain, I know for a fact that Ms Chapel is allergic to a preservative used in alcohol." Spock said

"Then what in the blazes…..?" Kirk asked sounding slightly worried

"Captain? Your tone has changed slightly, I think it indicates that you are something you humans call worried." Spock said tilting his head slightly as he stared down at Jim.

"Just wondering if we should call a mental hospital…." Kirk laughed and said "Anyway you still haven't told me about the whole "Throw-the-Captain-title-out-the-window-when-I-might-be-in-danger" phenomenon. Whats going on there?"

"I…" Spock was cut off by McCoy and Uhura bursting through the door of sick-bay

"CRAZED…*gasp* ENSIGNS …*wheeze* someone thought it would be funny to….*choke* flood the Engineering decks with Aphrodisiac gas ….* cough* ….now we have a bunch of aroused Ensigns chasing female members of the crew…." Uhura panted trying to get her breath back

"Not just aroused males either! a female Ensign tried to jump me…that was an excellent karate chop by the way Nyo….Lt. Uhura." McCoy said shuddering at the memory of the creepy female Ensign

I was mobbed by about 10 at once! I must thank you Mr Spock for those self-defence classes! There are now a bunch of unconscious and rather bruised Ensigns tucked safely under a desk on deck C.

Scotty burst through door "Oh crap." Muttered Uhura.

"MY SWEET LASSIE! WANNA GO FOR A ROLL IN TH' HAY WIT' ME?" Scotty yelled at Uhura winking suggestivly at her

"He's been doing that to every female he passes…." Uhura grumpily announced and then grabbed a hypo-spray and held it in front of her like a sword at Scotty who was advancing.

"LOOK! ITS NOT LIKE I HAVN'T BEEN CHASED BY GUYS BEFORE BUT THIS IS F***ING RIDICULOUS!" Uhura yelled as Scotty began shouting obscenities at her

_**5 minutes later**_

"RIGHT THAT'S IT!" Uhura screeched and lunging forward she jabbed the hypo-spray into his neck, Scotty crumpled to the floor.

"Ooh! I gotta get me some of these!" Uhura said brightly staring at the hypo-spray enthusiastically

Spock, Kirk and McCoy each made a mental note never to get on the wrong side of Uhura…EVER!

**(Well…what do you think? I'm not so sure about this chapter, but I think its fine I sorta wanna take the developing relationship slow ok? Sorry if you want WHAM ULTRA-FAST romance but its not really gonna bee like that SORRY! Next time Kirk will be put in a life threatening situation…OOHH TENSION! And I wonder how Spock will react…meh heh heh…. PLEASE REVIEW!)**

**( Any flames will be sent to a small plant in the Delta Quadrant where they shall be used to warn the shivering developing nations there! But remember a nice review will give of more warmth than a flame so if you truly want to help them...leave a nice review!Thank you for your generous support of disadvantaged aliens )**


	6. Shirt Swaps

After the Aphrodisiac gas had cleared from the lower decks and it effects had worn off it was past 2am. Kirk, McCoy, Spock and Uhura were exhausted from fighting off Ensigns, though Uhura was pretty pleased to have discovered how awesome a hypo-spray was. Scotty was still out cold on the floor and the Captain's shirt (and surprisingly Mr Spock's as well) had rather large rips and tears in them.

Uhura was trying (unsuccessfully) to lift Scotty onto a biobed and out of their way when her dress caught on the corner of the bed and ripped. She gave a shriek, and dumped Scotty unceremoniously on the floor as she attempted to cover herself as she was dressed now in nothing more than a top.

Spock raised his eyes determinedly to the ceiling, Kirk did a sharp about turn so he was facing the opposite wall and McCoy blushed bright red and fixed his eyes on the floor.

"Well this is nice and awkward isn't it! And of course this has to happen on the day I'm wearing my embarrassing Pikachu underwear doesn't it!" Uhura exclaimed

Scotty stirred looked up at Uhura and said "Woah tha' lassies got a fine o' legs doesn't she? Wanna come with me for a…" He got no further as Uhura hyposprayed him very quickly indeed.

"It seems the gas's effects have not worn off on Mr Scott yet." Spock remarked from his corner

McCoy quickly took off his shirt and handed it to Uhura "Erm.. it'll do to cover you until you can get back to your quarters I think Ny."

"Thanks Len." She said gratefully and then shot a furious glare at Kirk as he stage whispered "Awww! They're down to abbreviated nicknames!"

Spock looked back at Uhura (who actually looked quite good in the shirt) as she turned to leave something caught his eye, "Wait! Lt. Uhura, Dr McCoy's name tag is showing, I believe that due to humans thirst for gossip it would cause ship-wide scandal if you walked down the corridors dressed in nothing but a long shirt that has "Leonard McCoy" on it. He raised an eyebrow as he finished

Uhura spluttered incoherently for a moment , then tucked the tag safely inside the shirt. "Thank heavens for your quick Vulcan eyes Mr Spock! However I think I am going to cause a scandal anyway…now it just looks likes I'm in a Science officer's shirt. So prepare the Science block for a gossip storm!" She grinned at him and then quickly left the sick-bay.

Kirk collapsed into laughter "Her…face…just…too funny…."

Then a great yell went up from outside "Uhura? Is…is that a SCIENCE OFFICERS SHIRT? OMG DID YOU SLEEP WITH A SCIENCE OFFICER?

They heard Uhura scream "WHAT THE HELL JANICE? YOU SICK MINDED LITTLE…."

"Uh oh…." McCoy muttered and dived for his office, he had barely shut the door behind him when the Yeoman Janice Rand burst into sick-bay.

Her eyes swept the scene, Scotty unconscious on the floor, the Captain laughing his head off, Spock with his eyebrows raised and Nurse Chapel facepalming in the door to another ward.

"Um….Hi?" She said "Oh um...I …er…wanted to see Dr McCoy and Mr Spock."

Kirk bit his lip thinking of Leonard's shirtless state, Janice would surely draw the complete wrong conclusion and….

"You wanted to see me Ms Rand?" Doctor McCoy came out of his office with a shirt on.

She stared at him "Dr McCoy? How is your shirt so clean? I mean even Mr Spock's has evidence of wear and tear but yours is pristine."

"Well I have the magic of hypo-sprays so I don't have to actually engage in any hand-to-hand combat..now what did you want Ms Rand?"

"I…um…er….well Sirs…..I just past Uhura in the corridor and she was…um…well…wearing a Science officers shirt." Janice blushed bright red "I came in here to…er…try and…um….find the officer it belonged to but…."

"But instead you found the First Officer, the ships CMO and the Captain." Kirk said, flashing her a grin

Janice blushed even harder and fluttered her eyelashes "Why yes Captain."

So why did you wish to see Doctor McCoy and I?" Spock asked, fixing her with the Vulcan equivalent of a glare.

"Oh..um…well, I thought she may have engaged in inappropriate activities so I wanted to know who it was…so…um…I could make a misbehaviour report later."

Spock seemed to increase the glare until Janice backed up against a wall "No. That is incorrect Yeoman Rand. You wished to come in here to see whom the supposed Science officer was and then go and gossip about it to the rest of the crew, are you aware that such an act would undermine Lt. Uhura's authority and quite possibly ruin her reputation forever on this ship."

"Wha…? Mr Spock that's not fair! You cannot read my mind without my permission! I know that much!" Janice protested from her spot pressed into the wall

"I would not read anyone's mind without permission. You slight me Yeoman." Spock's voice had a very dangerous edge to it now, Janice gulped and tried to fall through the wall to get away from him. The wall (as it happened) didn't like Janice very much and decided that it would get wall revenge by leaving her there.

"I did not need to mind-meld to predict what you would do. The actions of shallow humans are monotonous in their vicious patterns." Spock sounded contemptuous now

"But….fine I came in here to get some gossip. So now I can say that you are way over protective of Uhura so I think I can safely say it was you she slept with!" Janice grinned maliciously, seemingly oblivious to the danger of Spock losing it completely

"Ms Uhura borrowed the shirt from the spare ones in a cupboard. There is nothing gossipy about this situation." Nurse Chapel spoke up and glared at Yeoman Rand "She wanted to change out of her dirty dress and so I supplied her with a shirt from the store cupboard, so you can shut up and get out! Also that is no way to speak to a senior officer, and speaking like that to the First Officer is a surefire way to get you demoted faster than you can say Self Absorbed Bimbo."

Janice mouthed silently for a moment then sulkily nodded "Fine! Whatever." she went to walk out, but chose the long way to the door where she pressed herself against Captain Kirk and flirtatiously winked, then she was gone.

Kirk stumbled back looking revolted "Dear god what a nasty piece of work she is! Don't you think Spock? She seemed to be really ticking you off judging from the dark looks you sent her. Nurse Chapel can I get a new shirt please! I really don't want this now she's touched it!"

Nurse Chapel rolled her eyes and said "Seriously? You didn't notice that Spock...sorry…_Mr_ Spock only got annoyed when she started flirting with you? Boys, never notice anything so oblivious! Oh and you can all call me Christine because that whole "Nurse Chapel! Nurse Chapel! Nurse Chapel! Nurse Chapel!" thing is getting on my nerves!"

McCoy started laughing "Oh Christine! You are the only woman I know who somehow managed to pull off pointing out that the Captain was dense, that his Vulcan First Officer fancied him and then proceed to tell us all to call you by your first name in the same sentence!"

Nurse Chapel (or Christine as we shall now call her) grinned and said "Why thank you Doctor!"

Spock raised an eyebrow "Most illogical. It is not logical for me to fall for a human Captain of the starship that I serve on."

Dr McCoy smiled and poked Spock in the chest "Yeeees… about as logical as the Vulcan Ambassador falling for a Human university teacher and having a son that would later go on to serve in Starfleet…"

Kirk rolled his eyes "What is with this whole me and Spock thing that seems to have sprung up in the past few days?" he broke off and looked at the door which was sliding open again "THAT DOES IT!" Uhura hissed through gritted teeth as she walked through the door, dragging a suitcase behind her and dressed back in her usual red dress.

"What on Earth….?" Jim said staring at her

"I'm moving quarters! I POINT BLANK REFUSE to share a room with Janice Rand any longer! I don't care if it's against regulations, I don't care if you order me to go back there…I WILL NOT!" She tossed her hair defiantly and raised her head proudly.

To everyone's shock and horror there were glittering tears on her face, Christine let out a noise of sympathy and moved to hug her.

"Oh Uhura….what happened? What could make our happy-go-lucky Uhura cry?" she said as Uhura dissolved into real tears

"Just…she…Spock…Leonard…she…..maybe…maybe not now." She muttered glancing at the two blue shirted individuals, one of whom was looking confused and the other impassive.

"That's fine! Whenever you want to talk to me you can…hey I know! You can share quarters with me if you like! Because I'm a nurse I got a room all to myself but it can get a bit lonely..."

"Oooh yes I'd love too!" Uhura beamed and began brushing away the tears.

"Perfect! It's through here! I'll take your suitcase for you…just follow me!"

And with that the two women left the room, leaving the men standing there stunned. The Vulcan, though maintaining an exterior of calm indifference was yelling with rage inside. _"How dare this idiotic blonde dumb gossip come and attempt to flirt with his Jim! How dare she make one of his friends cry! How dare she….."_

Spock's thoughts stopped abruptly as he realised two things.

He now regarded the Communications officer as a close friend

and more importantly

2. That in his own mind he had begun to refer to Jim as "his"

"Captain may I inquire as I to whether I can retire to my quarters. I wish to meditate on a few things if you no longer require any assistance here." He said as he turned towards Kirk

"No problem Spock. See you tomorrow." The Captain said and then he yawned 'Ugh it's been a big day…I think I'll go to bed."

**Right! Sorry about having to cut it short there! Yes I know I said Kirk would be in mortal peril last time but I PROMISE it will be in the next chapter…. I was writing this chapter and it just cut stretching on and on so I've decided to cut it in half! I will upload the next chapter soon! I know I have been neglecting updating this so feel free to rant at me in the reviews! **


	7. T'Laina & the Narzarg King

_**The Next Day…**_

The morning on the Bridge was uneventful enough apart from Scotty bursting in at around 8:30am to apologise profusely to Uhura

"I'm so sorry lass! I dinna know wha' came over me!"

Uhura laughed at him and said "Oh Scotty! I think you better get on the intercom and apologise to ALL the female crew members! It was just any crew-woman who was in sight really!"

Then at around noon Uhura straightened up and turned around "Captain! I'm receiving a priority one distress call from Helitia-4 the 3rd planet out from the sun in this galaxy. Helitia-4 is a settled planet, it consists of mostly Humans and Vulcans… the message was sent over two weeks ago…Captain the signal has been sent via…radio! An ancient Earth way of communicating!."

"But…Helitia-4 has some of the most sophisticated communications systems in the galaxy! Why use the slowest way possible?" Kirk sat up in his chair and stared at the monitor screen at the 3rd planet that looked remarkably like Vulcan.

"Perhaps Captain, that was the only way they could get a message out if something has happened down on the planet." Spock said also looking at the planet that now filled the monitor screen.

"Spock, Uhura, Bones, Ensign Rogers and Ensign Oradia please meet me in the transporter room. Set your phasers on stun everyone. Scotty you're in charge until I get back." Kirk and the others left the bridge.

A few minutes later the team were assembled on the transporter pads.

"Energise." Kirk nodded at the two men behind the control console, he and the others vanished in a flash of golden motes of light.

They materialised in a completely devastated street. Nearly all of the buildings were just piles of rubble and the ones that were still standing had sides missing or other such signs of heavy damage.

They was a cry from their left and someone rushed at them, "Follow! You danger! Follow! You die! Follow or die!"

A girl of about 13 motioned with her hand for them to crouch and when they did not comply she turned back with anguished eyes. "Follow! Else they kill!" her English seemed very strange and it seemed she didn't really know how to speak the language at all.

When they still did not move, the girl threw up her hands and yelled in a strange language. Spock jerked his head up in shock. "Captain. She means us no harm. What she has been trying to tell us is that we are in grave danger here in the middle of the street and 'they' will come and kill us if we don't follow her."

Kirk crouched and followed the girl into the shadows as did Spock, Uhura and McCoy. The Ensigns were just about to follow (when, in true Redshirt spirit) purple beams of light struck the two of them and they fell instantly, the girl gasped and pulled something from her pocket, she threw it into the middle of the road and then grabbed Uhura and McCoy's hand.

"Join! Join!" she cried at Spock and Kirk.

Jim grabbed Uhura's hand and Spock with some reluctance put his hand on the girl's shoulder. She shook her hand free of McCoy and held it out to him instead.

"I shield! Take! Join!" Spock took her hand warily and found that no emotion leaked through to him and the girl was, as she said, shielded.

As McCoy grabbed Kirk's arm she took off running as the thing she had thrown began to flash in a steady rhythm. As the girl reached the end of the street she reached inside her coat and pressed something, instantly the thing exploded and two more buildings hit the ground with a thunderous crash raising a huge dust cloud behind them.

She took off again, zigzagging between piles of bricks and other debris, after ten minutes of sprinting (which had McCoy screaming random obscenities about the stitch in his side) she ducked into a small cave inside the mountain that towered over the city.

She finally turned around and smiled "You safe!"

Spock kneeled next to her and spoke in the same tongue she had yelled in the street, her eyes lit up, she looked at his ears and she clapped her hands. After a rapid-fire conversation in the language (which Kirk was beginning to realise was Vulcan by the way Uhura drifted forward and was listening with a face full of concentration)

Dr McCoy stepped forward and said "I'm called Dr Leonard McCoy, can you explain why we are here in English?"

The girl looked up and visibly struggled to pronounce his name and finally settled on "Len, you Len."

Dr McCoy smiled and said "Yes, what is your name?"

The girl grinned back and said "I T'Laina."

"A beautiful name you have. I'm James Kirk, Jim if it's too long." Jim knelt beside Spock and gave the girl a charming smile.

"Jim, Len, Spock." She repeated looking proud but then she frowned and turned to Uhura "What you?"

"Oh! I'm Nyota Uhura! Er…just call me Ny." Uhura sat down too and gestured for 'Len' to join her

"Ny, Len, Spock, Jim." She nodded solemnly and then turned to McCoy.

"Len want explained?" She queried "Spock translate? No good English I."

She then began to talk and Spock listened until she had stopped, then turned face the others.

"T'Laina's almost exact words when translated are: Everything was fine until a few weeks ago then ships appeared in the sky. At first we thought that it was Starfleet with an unscheduled cargo drop off, but the design was all wrong and the wingspans of the ships were not mathematically consistent with the usual wingspans Starfleet cargo ships have."

"Then they landed and big….I don't really know what they were. None of us know even now what they are. But they had the weapons you saw kill your comrades, the whole population of this city were either enslaved or killed. A few got away, I was lucky. I still don't quite understand how I got away because I am human even though I was brought up only knowing how to speak Vulcan."

"Many of my friends died and still more were carried to the fort that the…'they' I call them, had built over night. A rebel group consisting of mostly Vulcans launched an assault on the Comms base one night, all they were able to send was a distress call from the ancient radio systems before they were all slaughtered."

"My English is terrible, I do apologise. About 20 years ago Vulcan was made the official language here. Everyone agreed that English was dominant nearly everywhere else so why not let someone else get their language in edgeways. So if we ever get out of this Surak forsaken mess I will endeavour to get better at English, though the odds against us getting out of here alive are precisely 56784 to one."

Spock raised an eyebrow as he finished and said "Even though her name is Vulcan and her mind can do the calculations that a Vulcan can, she is significantly more emotional, I edited out some of the more colourful language she wove in there."

Kirk looked at the girl who was smiling sadly at them and it struck him that she was actually a teenager. The babyish way she spoke English had made him subconsciously think that she was a young child and didn't quite have a grasp of what was truly going on.

A hot surge of anger and rage surged through him at the thought of those 'they' who had taken over here, he was going to take these guys out and he knew where to start with that: Knock out the leader and they all go down.

He looked T'Laina right in the eyes and said slowly and clearly "Can you get us to the fort?"

Her eyes flashed and she bared her teeth in a grim smile "Yes, not easy. We fight?"

Kirk nodded his head "Yes. Capture if we can. Try not to kill."

She nodded slowly and seemed to struggle to put the next sentence together "Good. Kill is not good way often. Will Ny, Spock, Len come? Easy way in if less, harder inside. Harder way in when more, easier inside."

Kirk stood non-plussed for a moment until Leonard spoke up "I think she means that if there are less of us it will be easier to get us inside the fort but it will be harder to fight off people inside and vice versa."

"We'll all go I think. When can you take us?" Jim said

"At Dark. We sleep now. Need energy." T'Laina smiled at Kirk and Spock then gestured towards a corner of the cave with a makeshift bed init. "Bondmates can use."

Spock flushed bright green (an unusually strong reaction) and Kirk could feel his face flaming "Oh…er…no we're not..ahem…bondmates." he somehow managed to splutter

T'Laina's eyes shot up and she went bright red too "Oh! Apologise! Did not mean…..I thought…..apologise!"

Nyota laughed and hugged her "Mark my words they'll be bondmates one day!" she whispered in her ear and then said in a louder voice "Also just for future reference it's 'I apologise' instead of just 'apologise' okay?"

"Ah! I apologise!" T'Laina beamed and then her face turned serious "Men over that place, Ny and T'Laina take here!"

"Why? You don't think boys and girls should sleep in the same bed?" McCoy said teasingly

"No! I fine with it! Just not…good time now. No distractions! Unless…boys can sleep with boys can't they? I mean in 'bondmate' way…..? Maybe better to keep all apart? " She frowned and turned to 'Ny' who was bent over double laughing her head off at the looks on Spock, Kirk and McCoy's faces.

"NOT ON MY WATCH!Leonard yelled and turned to glare at Spock and Kirk "I'll be sleeping in between you two so don't get any ideas!"

"WHADDYA MEAN IDEAS? You make me sound like I want to jump Spock or something!" Jim shrieked, as he forced the highly enjoyable picture of doing just that out of his mind.

Spock coughed discreetly and said "Dr McCoy please refrain from your illogical assumptions that the Captain and I would, if given the opportunity, engage in sexual intercourse."

T'Laina piped up here 'What is meaning 'sexual intercourse' ?"

Uhura grinned and said "Right. You boys off to that corner, I'll be over here giving T'Laina the English version of the 'Birds and the bees'!" as the two of them walked off they heard Uhura say "Can I call you 'Lainie' ?"

Captain Kirk groaned. This was getting to be way too awkward.

The three men were awoken about three hours later by a yell of pain "SH*T! SH*T! SH*T!" All of them raised their heads off the piles of grass they used as pillows expecting to see Uhura being mauled by wolves at the very least.

Instead they were greeted with the sight of T'Laina hopping around holding her shin and yelling the vulgarity in question. She stopped short at the sight of Spock, Jim and Leonard staring at her.

"Ny said that 'SH*T' was used if in pain, annoyed or stress. Is problem?" T'Laina raised an eyebrow in a very Vulcan manner indeed

"Oh it's a curse word! It is not used usually in polite society….I sorta left that part out…" Uhura laughed as she sat up and facepalmed

T'Laina put her hand to her mouth "I apologise! Will not use…unless…" a devious smile flitted across her face "…Unless may seem worth it."

McCoy stretched grumpily and said "When are we going to this fort thingie?"

The smile died on T'Laina's lips and she gestured outside where it was dark "In five."

McCoy grunted as he hauled himself through the tiny hole in the fort wall to join the others. "For gods sakes I'm a doctor not a creepy-crawlie!"

T'Laina put a finger to her lips "Shushies! They could hear."

Kirk tried hard not to giggle, this strange girl with her odd way of speaking had a gift for adding humour to practically any situation.

"The centre or the highest point is usually where the leader is." Spock remarked as he surveyed the great stone building.

"How did they build this so fast?" Nyota breathed in amazement as she stared around her

"By working us. Vulcan. Human. Make no difference. They all work." T'Laina said and her face shone with tears as she looked up at the purple moon.

Kirk touched her shoulder and was surprised when she leapt away in shock, a fine gold chain swung free from underneath her shirt and a small crystal flashed on the end of it.

"I apologise, not used to being touched, Vulcans no touch much, we use Vulcan culture." She reminded him then cocked her head to one side and a slow grin spread over her face "Well maybe few changes…" her fingers closed around the small crystal and her smile grew. "Maybe quite big changes…but still touch rule remains."

Nyota look curiously at the chain and crystal "Um…what…er…does that symbolise anything?"

T'Laina looked startled and seemed to awake from a dream "Friendship. Strongest bond friendship." She gave it a wistful smile and hurriedly tucked it back under her shirt.

"Let's go." Kirk said quickly, wondering if the friend who had given it to her had died in the invasion. The last thing he needed now was for any sad recollections cloud anyone's judgement.

It had gone successfully enough and now through the various mind-melds Spock had done on unconscious guards, they had learned that the door they now stood in front of led into the throne room. T'Laina was looking very nervous and McCoy looked pretty uneasy too, Uhura however was gripping her phaser in a far too enthusiastic manner and as she put it, was "Looking forward to kicking some alien butt."

"3….2…..1….NOW!" Kirk yelled and charged through the doors, instantly at least 20 guards rushed at them.

Uhura stunned about three, McCoy got about two with some knockout hypo-sprays, Spock had dropped about five with a good old Vulcan nerve pinch, T'Laina felled about four with some Vulcan version of kung fu and Kirk had laid low about three. (all this at the five minute mark of getting through the door)

There were still about three left however but they were KO-ed pretty quickly, then the leader who was bigger than them all rushed at Kirk and had him in a headlock with a knife at his throat in about two seconds.

"Graah haaah haaa! I have your friend. I will kill him if you do not surrender! I am Gra'thaaal of the Narzarg tribe, fear me!" then Gra'thaaal let out a floor shaking roar and dug the tip of the knife a little deeper into Kirk's throat, a few drops of shockingly scarlet blood welled up.

T'Laina growled and cried "Why? Why come here? What we do to you? Why hurt and control here? You monster! Now you take Jim! Let him go and get out!"

Gra'thaal rumbled with laughter "Us Narzarg don't like the Federation, we will use this planet as a base to attack the Federation and unless you surrender your friend will die." He said the last four words very deliberately a pushed the knife still harder into Jim's throat. The drops of blood turned into a trickle.

Spock could feel the cold darkness curling within his stomach begging to be let free, he would tear this Narzarg limb from limb for touching his t'hy'la.

T'Laina whipped around and stared into Spock's eyes which were going completely back, she let out a shriek of fear and pushed Uhura and McCoy down to the ground and shoved them none to gently to the base of the nearest wall.

"Stay down! Do not move! He will see it as threat! Do not move! Stay down!" She pleaded as she crouched down next to them.

Gra'thaal (who had turned his head in confusion at the antics of the three of them) never saw the blow that killed him. Spock had (with one swipe of his hand) shattered his neck completely, and as some of the guards regained consciousness and rushed at him he turned with a guttural growl that seemed to freeze T'Laina, McCoy and Uhura's blood.

It him less than three seconds to leave the Narzarg guards dead with various limbs sticking out at weird angles. Jim, who had fallen to the floor gasping when Gra'thaal had been killed was staring at Spock with incredulity, amazement and a hint of fear.

Spock turned, saw him and walked over to him "T'hy'la. My T'hy'la." He said gently then picked Kirk up and caressed his face tenderly.

McCoy's mouth had fallen open in shock, Uhura was pressed trembling into the wall, her eyes wide. T'Laina was staring in complete amazement, but their shock faded into insignificance next to Kirk's.

He was too shocked to even move, his brain seemed to have shut down.

Nowhere in his Starfleet training had the instructor mentioned what to do when your alien First Officer (who you happen to be in love with) goes berserk, kills about ten aliens with barley a flick of his wrist then starts calling you a weird thing in another language, picks you up bridal style and starts stroking your face.

T'Laina was trying not to laugh as the shock faded from Jim's face and he snuggled deeper into Spock's chest. "Jim is enjoying!" she whispered to Nyota and Len

"Yeah, but whats with Spock going nuts?" Hissed Len back, he began to rise, but T'Laina gave a small squeak and pulled him back down

"No! He see any grown up as challenge to Jim! I go. He will not hurt child." She said the last sentence sort of hopefully

T'Laina slowly stood up and began to walk very slowly towards Spock with her hands up in a 'I surrender' position. Spock didn't rush her, but he kept his eyes on her and made it seemingly quite clear that if she tried to come any closer he would not stand for it.

Then she sat down and began to sing in Vulcan "Shom-tor reshan. Shom-tor khrash. Shom-tor, shom-tor. Shom-tor reshan. Satrasha reshan. Satrasha khrash." The tune was something a bit like 'Silent Night'

Her voice was beautiful an it seemed the very air seemed to perk up and listen, gradually the blackness receeded from Spock's gaze and his eyes became their usual brown.

Spock seemed to awaken from a dream, he started violently when he saw the dead guards and Gra'thaaal. Then his eyes widened and his gaze travelled slowly down until they came to rest on Jim nestled in his arms.

With a very un-Vulcanish cry, Spock dropped Kirk unceremoniously onto the ground and leapt backwards but ended up rebounding off a table and fell forwards on top of Jim.

T'Laina spoke up proudly with a new word "Awkward!"

**The translation of T'Laina's song: "Rest anger. Rest violence. Rest, rest. Rest anger. Recede anger, recede violence." **

**I'm very happy I have finished this chapter! FINALLY! And I think the next chapter might be the last chapter so bear with me a just a little longer! Please review and tell me what you think so far! Thanks.**


	8. They Really Should Be Rescuing Prisoners

_**What happened last time…..**_

_**His eyes widened and his gaze travelled slowly down until they came to rest on Jim nestled in his arms. With a very un-Vulcanish cry, Spock dropped Kirk unceremoniously onto the ground and leapt backwards but ended up rebounding off a table and fell forwards on top of Jim.**_

_**T'Laina spoke up proudly with a new word "Awkward!"**_

Spock jumped to his feet and began stammering apologies, clearly the strange journey into 'Kill absolutely everyone' land had knocked nearly all of his Vulcan control out the window and his human half was dominating. Jim sat stunned on the floor.

"Woah. Woah. Rewind. WHAT?" Uhura screeched with delight "Spock! You're stammering!"

"Like Night of Illogic!" T'Laina laughed, her eyes dancing

Spock seemed desperate to change the subject "What is the Night of Illogic?"

"Once year, Vulcans act illogical. We took most their culture so they take some ours! Most funny night, lots chocolate!" T'Laina replied happily

Jim groaned "Owwww….can someone give me a hand here?"

Dr McCoy muttered "Baby." But went over and helped him up anyway

"Uh uh Spock! You aren't getting away so easily! YOU WERE STAMMERING! AND BLUSHING! LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL!" Uhura was clearly determined not to let it go.

"I did no such thing." Spock's control had reasserted itself and he was standing as rigid as a board.

"You so did!"

"I most certainly did not."

"Did too!"

"I did not."

"YOU SO DID!"

"Lt. Uhura, please desist in this illogical line of conversation. Vulcans do not stammer."

"OH YEAH? THEN WHAT WAS THAT?"

"I know not to which you are referring."

"Oh that's right, revert into 16th century mode of speech! That doesn't change the fact that YOU just exhibited the most illogical behaviour I have seen since half the Engineering crewmembers tried to erect a mega-huge flagpole on the outside of the ship and attempt to attach a massive pair of Y-fronts to it!"

One of Spock's eyebrows shot up "I was not made aware of this occurrence."

"Yeah well….it fell down and clocked some poor soul on the head as he was in a space-suit and trying to fix it to the hull. It shattered his skull." she shrugged "McCoy was able to fix it…as always…but the rest of them decided that maybe it wasn't the brightest idea since Charles Darwin's theory of evolution."

McCoy rolled his eyes "Idiot. I swear there must be some low IQ test they have to pass before they give you a red uniform."

"EXCUSE ME?" Uhura's screech echoed around the hall "LOW IQ?"

McCoy cringed and said "Apart from you Nyota!"

"WHAT ABOUT SCOTTY?"

"Why do you care what I think of Sco- OMIGOD YOU TWO AREN'T DATING ARE YOU?" It was McCoy's turn to have the echoes repeat his scream.

"THE HELL? NO WAY! WHY WOULD I DATE HIM WHEN I LIKE YOU? NO OFFENSE TO MR SCO-waitaminute….OH MEGA FUCK NEUTRONS STARS! Er…..ignore that….."

"Excuse me?" McCoy looked like he had been hit over the head with a particularly vicious data pad.

"Well that's just perfect …." Uhura muttered

"Why don't you two step outside and discuss this….? I need to have a little chat with Spock." Kirk piped up from the corner where he had been watching the proceedings with increasing incredulity and amusement.

"Good idea..um..yeah….." Uhura grabbed McCoy's arm and dragged him from the hall.

T'Laina looked uncomfortable for a moment then went over to the nearest guard, grabbed the keys dangling from his neck, picked up a discarded phaser and called "I go free people….erm…good luckness with….stuff." She practically ran out of there and wondering how all this weirdness had happened and why everyone, including herself, had been to focused on odd things to remember that they had effectively rescued this settlement.

"So…." Jim shifted awkwardly and winced again "Damn my…everything is killing me!"

"Killing you Captain? Do you require me to call Dr McCoy back?" One of Spock's eyebrow was quirked at an angle that told Jim that he was just teasing.

"_Damn he looks cute like that….ARRRGH NO! NIEN! NYET! N.O. IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN! STUPID BRAIN." _Cursed Jim silently in his mind.

"I assume you wish to discuss what happened." Spock said slightly apprehensively

"What? Oh right. Yeah. Um…yes…..well….um. Kinda…um…what…you know…happened?" "_THE HELL? I sound like some teenage girl or something!" _He shrieked in silent agony.

"I am not entirely sure Captain. Perhaps it would be more informative to talk to a Vulcan Elder as soon as possible." Spock replied, seemingly disregarding his Captain's sudden loss of coherent speech.

"Right…okay then…yes…er….well…..I…..yeah….will do….." _"PLEASE SOMEONE KILL ME NOW!" _"….oh wait! Yeah just one other…um…thing, yep. Just for the record, what does t'hy'la mean?" _"Yes! Finally! Something above five-year old sentence patterns!"_

Spock's reaction was not at all what Jim expected it to be. All the colour drained from his face and he grabbed the table to steady himself.

"WHERE THE F….."

Spock stopped and his held flew to his mouth. His chocolate brown eyes were wide with shock. Partly, it seemed, from what Kirk had asked him and partly of what he had nearly said. He took a deep shuddering breath and tried again.

"May I inquire as to where you heard that term Captain?"

"Er…um….did you nearly just- erm.,..forget it." Jim looked down at the ground and was about to say "Well let's go and rescue some people instead of having weird guy to guy conversations" when his sixth sense prickled and he looked up….to find Spock's face centimetres from his own.

"HOLY MOTHERTRIBBLING FLIPPING LORD OF NEUTRON STARS!" Jim backed up frantically, hit the edge of the table and flipped over the table heading towards a nasty landing on the stone floor.

At the last second he was caught in a powerful grip and was lifted gently back to his feet. For the second time that day Jim found himself pressed against Spock's chest.

"Where did you hear that word?" Spock repeated and Jim felt Spock's chest vibrate comfortingly as he spoke.

"Um…well. I ….er…um….I think I might…..eep…y'know…be able to form a coherent sentence….kinda…maybe if you might….sorta…let go?" _"Oh no. Oh god. Oh nononononono. Oh god. Oh. Brilliant one. I basically just admitted that I get flustered and distracted around him. Oh could this get any worse?" _

He felt rather than saw Spock's eyebrows fly up and breathed a silent sigh of relief as Spock let go. "Um…yes. Thanks. Well when you were in 'SMASH EVERYONE!' mode, you sorta….um…..after you killed everyone you…how do I explain this…you picked me up and…yes well….calledmeyourt'hy'laandstrokedmycheek." the last bit came out in an incoherent babble. Jim mastered his thoughts and said "So…er…any reason? I mean it's ok if you don't want to-eep!"

Spock had stepped forward into his personal space again "There is a reason Jim."

"Um…ah…great?"

"T'hy'la is a Vulcan term. It represents the strongest bond between two people. It literally means brother/lover/friend."

Oh...yay. I'm your best friend!" Jim smiled slightly but his heart was pounding so fast it felt like it would beat out of his ribcage. Had Spock really said 'lover'?

"Jim. You are usually a very observant and intelligent man but on this point you can be adorably ignorant."

"Hey! I'm not ignor…waitWHAT? Did you just call me adora-MMPH!"

Spock shut Jim up in the most effective way possible. Jim melted into the kiss, it was like in those crazy stories and movies, he really did feel like fireworks were going off…..Jim let out a whimper and then clapped his hands over his mouth in mortification.

Spock pulled back, raised an eyebrow and said "I have not observed you make that noise before."

"Shut up Spock."

"It was a most facinat-MMPH!" This time Jim shut Spock up.

"Jim! Spock The pris-HOLY SHIT FUCK CRAP!" Uhura turned around and ran straight back out of the room

"What so-OHMIGOD! DEAR SWEET JESUS MY EYES!" McCoy who had followed Uhura in ,clapped his hands over his eyes dived out of the hall.

"I don't…oh!" T'Laina's jaw dropped and she squeaked and backed out repeating "I so sorry! I so sorry!"

Spock and Jim sprang apart then they heard Uhura bellowing "OOOOKAAAAAY! SERIOUSLY! I KNOW YOU ALL WANNA THANK THEM BUT THEY ARE A LITTLE BUSY RIGHT NOW! LETS JUST LEAVE THEM ALONE FOR A FEW HOURS!"

Jim grinned and said "We're going to be alone in this room for a couple of hours…"

A predatory gleam came into Spock's eyes and he pounced on Jim, pushing him to the floor. Jim laughed with pure joy as he realised that he was finally Spock's.

****

_**WOOO! I'm done people! DONE! I hope I didn't botch the end part too much…I am a school girl and writing that made me feel like face was going up in flames but I hope I did alright! My sincere thanks to…..**_

_**sharna **__**who reviewed 3 times. **_

_**Hex the Magician**__** who reviewed 3 times.**_

_**The Band Geek Alchemist**__** who reviewed 3 times**_

_**Saphura **__**who reviewed once.**_

_**Miss Yankovic**__** who reviewed once.**_

_**Anon reviewer called 'Lee' who reviewed once.**_

_**AND THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO FAVOURITED AND PUT THIS ON STORY ALERT! **_

_***Bows graciously and exits stage left***_


End file.
